Nick the Flying Brick

I am standing for the Crewe and Nantwich by-election on 22nd May 2008
This is my election manicfesto:

Hello, the Flying Brick here, Shadow Minister for the ‘Abolition of Gravity’.
I was given this Loony title beacause I used to paraglide round the hills of Derbyshire, then I crashed. So now it’s a vendetta against gravity and I am continuing my research into its abolition from the safety of my laboratory.

I have ancient ancestral connections with Cheshire and the surrounding area of Crewe and Nantwich. My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather Delves of Doddington, was thrown out of the family in the fourteenth century for an unpaid slate at the Red Lion.

I propose the motion that this Parliament should ‘All Change at Crewe’.

I would open a huge Train-spotting University sited in the Crewe station Basford Hall shed.

Crewe and Nantwich would be declared a ‘no-car’ zone with every residence connected with their own private rail network.

Crewe and Nantwich Loony’s would move the Westminster Houses of Parliament to our new headquarters The Rising Sun, Earls Street, Crewe.

I will introduce piranha to the river Weaver, this will make fishing a spectator sport. Tourism would be increased tenfold and jobs increased in the Leighton Hospital. I propose a new, world leading, ward opened specialising in fish bites.

The Euro. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party is a very old, established, political organisation; we have changed little in the last sixteen centuries. We cannot even start to think about the Euro as we have yet to recover from the shock of decimalisation in 1971. We would like Great Britain to re-introduce Pounds, Shillings, Groats, Pence and Farthings. Rural areas would be encouraged to continue using systems of barter with small livestock and shiny beads.
Eventually Europe would be allowed to join our currency although we would expect a courtesy gift of large amounts of fine wine and cheeses.

The ten pence tax rate would be scrapped we would replace it with a two shilling tax for everybody.
Whoever thought of situating Bentleys at ‘Pyms Lane’ should be given a knighthood.

Walking around Crewe town centre I have heard a lot about the unwelcome introduction of fortnightly bin collection. I propose that any citizen of the Crewe and Nantwich Constituency who actually manages to close the lid of their wheelie bin on the day of collection should be awarded a brand new Bentley. This will be paid for by a European grant.

I hope the readers of the Crewe Chronicle will realise that they should be strong like Gresty the Lion. They have the political muscle to vote for the only true PARTY of national importance. On Thursday 22nd May I hope that you will enter the voting booth with conviction knowing you are voting for the only candidate who makes any sense. Vote for Insanity, vote for Nick Delves the Flying Brick, VOTE LOONY!